Seven Months of Hell

Nearly the weekend!

2010-02-12T13:35:00.001+01:00

Found something a bit more interesting to do now, have some kind of mystery game called Chrystal Portal on the iPod. Hoping my OH will be home shortly, it's also less boring with his company :)

Been in hospital

2010-02-11T10:10:00.001+01:00

Spent yesterday in hospital. Got there at 7am, went in to undergo sterilisation. Sounds awful that word! Let's say permanent birth control. Op went well, all ok and today I'm resting at home, I hate resting too much tho, it's so boring, and I get fed up relying on others to do things for me. Might just have to sleep lots or do some drawing to keep me busy, TV will get boring after a while, and I'm definitely not stooping low enough to watch Jeremy Kyle ;) lol

Sir Jock Stirrup: Tony Blair's Iraq war delay caused kit chaos

2010-02-01T15:01:00.001+01:00

Britain's top military commander admitted today that soldiers in Iraq were left without life-saving body armour and even proper boots and clothing because Tony Blair delayed authorising the war plans.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article7011086.ece

The Princess and the Frog fans fall ill after copying film

2010-02-01T14:56:00.002+01:00

Over 50 children in the US have been taken to hospital after the film was released there in December, showing the beautiful Princess kissing a frog.

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/811161-the-princess-and-the-frog-fans-fall-ill-after-copying-film

Why on earth would any kid want to kiss a frog, they care the hell out of me!

Hey Snow

2010-02-01T13:24:00.002+01:00

Yep still snowing, getting a bit feb up with it now. Due to go back to the UK for a few days tomorrow, it's my uncle's funeral, so I know we have to make it back on time. I'll be one of them whinging people you see on TV documentaries at airports, if the delays are too long.
Other than that, all seems ok, apart from stressing about the trip. I do stress completely unnecessarily sometimes, let face it, if I forget something (other than passport) things can be resolved! Then I stress about journey to airport, hoping weather will be ok and little one won't kick up too much of a stink about anything, then I also worry about that on the flight too!
Sometimes it would just be easier to live in the UK again!! But I love Germany so much!

My How Time Flies!

2010-01-29T17:32:00.002+01:00

Bloody Hell, it's over 3 years since I posted on here!!
That little baby I was talking about is now 3 years old!!
Hubby also has another tour under his belt. This time last year he was out in Afghanistan. I have to say, trying to do a tour with a toddler, was even harder than being pregnant and alone!!
I got a new job after 3 months of baby being born and I'm still doing that job now.
Hubby returned safely from Afghan and now he works on rear party, so hopefully no more going away for at least 18 months.
Well there we go, quick update, will post again soon.

On my own

2006-10-04T17:01:00.000+02:00

Hubby has his first guard duty today. So I have my first 24 hrs alone with our new little baby. I'm hoping all goes well, but just as he gets a 24 hr duty, my postpartum bleeding has suddenly got heavier and the health visitor says I need to take it easy for 24 hrs and call her back tomorrow if there is no change. Like I can take it easy whilst on my own. How do single mums do it? Or how do military wives do it, when their hubby is away... take it easy... that's impossible.

Baby Arrived

2006-10-02T11:45:00.000+02:00

At last!!!!
She was born on 13th Sept at 00.11. weighing 7lb 15oz.
The initial bliss is now turning into hard work, harder than I ever imagined.
I'm not used to spending so much time at home, especially when hubby goes off to work and gets some peace and quiet LOL.
The birth was quite quick, which was good, but boy was it hard work and I'm still suffering 3 weeks on. I'm just so glad that hubby was home, I couldn't have done it without him. I ended up loosing half a litre of blood and have been stitched up like you wouldn't believe!
I'm just waiting for the day when the stitches are gone, I'm healed up and I can start actually enjoying being a mum... at the moment I'm just stressed.

Due date has been and gone!

2006-09-05T20:46:00.000+02:00

Yep! 3 days over now.
Part of me feels comfortable with this, because I just don't feel prepared. Another part of me thinks, I just want it all over with and to be able to see my little girl.
It's the not knowing which is the freaky bit, you just don't know when it's going to happen and it's all a bit scary.
The good news is, Hubby has reached EOT and does not have to go back! So our Seven Months of Hell has infact only been 4. But having said this, if he's needed out there back with his team, then he'll have to go. But for the meantime, we can both try and relax and enjoy the fact that we're back together and hopefully soon, our little girl will arrive.

D day tomorrow!!!

2006-09-01T12:42:00.000+02:00

Well it's finally reached that point. The due date for our little bundle of joy is tomorrow. I can't believe how quickly the time has gone.
I'm starting to get a bit scared now... the hard part is about to start any day and I've just forgotten everything that we learnt in the antenatal classes about labour and birth.
Thankfully hubby is now home, so I have some support and at least I can finally stop stressing about that.

Nearly home time

2006-08-22T18:27:00.000+02:00

Yes, it's the less than 24 hr mark now. This time tomorrow he'll be home.
I know it's going to be a nightmare trying to sleep tonight, the excitement/anticipation is already starting to kick in and there is a still a bit of a way to go.
All that is left then is the emotional reunion, which will be huge for both of us. Then we just have to work on helping baby to arrive before he heads back. But the less we think about the heading back the better.

Not feeling well

2006-08-21T12:55:00.000+02:00

I think maybe a lot of it is nerves. Hubby's arrival is iminent and obvioulsy there have been a lot of changes, not least the fact that I am now 38 wks pregnant rather than the 15 or so when he left. So of course I'm a bit apprehensive about what he'll think of me, but also very excited about seeing him, so it's a real rollercoaster of emotions. Which leaves you feeling a bit bewildered, which I guess is the best way to describe how I feel, maybe that rather than nervous.
Coupled with all these strange emotions is the fact that I feel exhausted and just want to go to sleep or lounge around on the sofa, but I've got a few bits to do today. I need to go and check my post, woke up to discover my bread had all gone mouldy, so need more bread, and need to get some cola and other home comfort food for when he gets home.
Roll on R&R.... the days are just going too slowly!

Some respite from Hell

2006-08-17T20:18:00.000+02:00

Indeed even less time until hubby gets home for R&R. Still hoping that baby stays put.

It's been 4 months since I last saw him and it's been the crappiest 4 months I've had in a long while. I've hated being pregnant (just in the uncomfortable, scary sense), probably because I had to go through it alone and this was never something I had figured on doing. The dog has been hard work, because she needs so much exercise and play and I've just not had the energy. The poor girl will be so pleased to see her dad, at last someone to play with!
But most of all I just want to see my husband again, I think I'm more excited about seeing him that having the baby. This is probably because I'm shit scared of having the baby and seeing hubby will be a lot more pleasurable. Of course I'm excited about seeing baby, just not the whole process of her appearing. I still think she's going to arrive before her dad gets home too, things just feel different, like she's getting ready or something. She moves too much, like she's trying to get out and find more room. She also keeps kicking me in the ribs and punching me in the bladder, she always does this when you least expect it or want it.

All in all I think I'm just pissed off today because time is going too slowly, I'm too tired to keep busy (Although I could try painting a picture), so I sit clock watching and it's really frustrating. Roll on next week, just want to get past this weekend and I'm really in the home straight.

It's very quiet here...

2006-08-17T20:05:00.000+02:00

There never seem to be many comments on my blog, so it's either really boring or just no one knows I'm here. I'll have to try and perk the blog up a bit.

Muslims call for special bank holidays

2006-08-15T21:06:00.000+02:00

A recent poll suggested that a third of British Muslims would rather live under Sharia law, while a similar number said they also hope Britain will one day become an Islamic state. But Dr Pasha claimed the legal changes he proposed would help convince young Muslims to integrate better into British society.
Full story: Daily Mail

Hmmm would I be entitled to have these public holidays if I were back in the UK but non Muslim?
If 1 third of British Muslims would rather live under Sharia law, would it surely not be better for them to live in a country that abides by Sharia Law?
I'm living in Germany and they have some very, unsual to me, bylaws. But, as I'm here in their country I live by them.

Blog before bedtime

2006-08-14T21:25:00.000+02:00

Right, I'm worn out.
It's not long now until my husband gets home for R&R, we're into single figure sleeps!!! So in my current 37 wk pregnant state I'm rushing round trying to make sure the place looks ok and that we have plenty of food and all the essentials for the arrival of baby. I've practiced sterilising some baby bottles and all went well (you may think this sounds a bit silly, but I'd only panic if I didn't give it a go before baby arrived).
Today I have also had a small reorganisation of the soon to be nursery. There is still a load of crap in there that needs moving to the cellar, but I've got everything in there that she will need and sleep wise she'll be in our room anyway, so it doesn't have to be perfect in there yet.
The moses basket is still in the UK with my parents!! My neighbour who is travelling back to the UK just before baby's due date is very kindly going pick it up and bring it back for us. So baby can't arrive yet because she has no bed and it would have to be the laundry basket for her.
Had my last scan at the hospital today. All is still looking good and by their estimates should could be around 7lb when she is born... not too big then... phew. Mind you, as my sister helpfully pointed out "she could still have a big head"..... thanks!
She's definitely getting in to position though.. I just need her to hold on until her dad is home.....
I'm sure I had more to talk about, but I'm so tired.... I need some rest and a bit of time to curl up and dream about hubby getting home xxx

Strange places you find on the web

2006-08-10T22:39:00.000+02:00

I was doing a search, I can't even remember what for now, but I came across the most amusing website.
You definitely wouldn't be doing a specific search for this site, but obvioulsy something I put in came up in this ones description. I've had to bookmark it now, because it was just so bizarre.

Kitler

Back to work

2006-08-08T19:12:00.000+02:00

Yep. I feel like I've been on leave forever and really can't be bothered to go back, but hopefully it will make the time go quicker.

Early night tonight I think. Back to work tomorrow and then once this week is over I have one more week at work and then my maternity leave starts. I could do with starting it now I think, don't know how well I'll cope at work. But hey, it's only me there so I'll have to cope.

All The Presidents Words

2006-08-07T21:24:00.000+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pfzrPsHFSWc&mode=related&search=

Midwife Appt.

2006-08-07T16:09:00.000+02:00

All went well.
Blood pressure is back to normal, baby is still in a good position, in fact her head is starting to engage!!! Just hope she doesn't get too eager just yet! At least it explains why everything has become so much more uncomfortable movement wise.

Washed some more baby clothes today, soon the drawers will be fully stocked... although I'm running out of space already. Just hope Hubby is up to sorting out the spare room when he gets home!! There is stuff everywhere in there at the moment, including the guest sofa bed, which needs to go down in the cellar. I hope he wasn't expecting too much R&R on his R&R.

What's in store for next week?

2006-08-06T21:41:00.000+02:00

Well I'm still on leave, well until Wednesday when I go back to work.

The weekend has kind of flown by which is pretty good considering I did pretty much f**k all.

So tomorrow I'm off for my two weekly visit to the midwife (which I think goes down to weekly soon). Hoping everything will be ok and baby is still in a nice position. Somedays I wonder because it's becoming so uncomfortable, the movements are huge and it's like she gives me a proper punch/kick to the ribs! If she decides to have a wriggle it feels like my stomach is going to explode, it really doesn't feel like she has much room in there now.

The rest of the week... well having the rest of the tyres fitted to the car. Had two done Friday, two more being done on Wednesday I hope.

Back to work and then before I know it it will be the weekend and then it's only a matter of a week or so until my husband is home. The time just can't go quick enough though. I wrote him a nice bluey today. Told him exactly what I'm looking forward to. I'm so desperate to be able to meet him in camp when he arrives home. I just want to see his face light up, when he finally gets to see me in all my fat, pregnant glory! (I was still pretty much slim when he left), I can imagine it will be quite a shock for him, a pleasant one I hope. I also can't wait for a hug, just to feel him close again will be amazing. I hate to wish away the next few weeks, but I just want my soul mate home, he's everything to me.

Families of soldiers killed in Iraq launch party to challenge ministers

2006-08-05T23:27:00.000+02:00

Families of soldiers killed in Iraq launch party to challenge ministers · More than 70 candidates to contest Labour seats · Bereaved to meet within two weeks to plan strategy

Read More Here

All Aboard!!!

2006-08-05T22:19:00.000+02:00

I found this on the BoreMe website... Is it really called that or has it just been Photoshopped?

Angry German Kid

2006-08-05T22:00:00.000+02:00

This clip has been around a while I think now. With and without the translation. Apparently this is the correct translation (I've yet to find out from my German friends). Thanks to the subtitles the reason for this 'uber' tantrum is a bit more obvious now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBVmfIUR1DA

Homesick

2006-08-05T17:06:00.000+02:00

Feeling a bit homesick today. Don't really know why, just sort of came on this afternoon.
Had a really lazy morning as I was so tired yesterday. Just stayed in bed watching DVD's until about midday.... felt great!

Spoke to hubby last night. He's getting so excited about coming home. It's not long now, only a few more weeks. Just keeping fingers crossed that baby waits until he is home! He's got ideas about going out for the night and letting our hair down when he gets back, so baby will have to wait, or we'll need to find someone who doesn't mind looking after a newborn. That said, I can't imagine him wanting to leave the house once his little girl is here.
It was really nice to speak to him and he actually sounded happy. He's been really busy and sounded a bit tired, but to be honest I think he'd rather be busy and tired as it is making his days go quicker. We had a really nice chat and I told him all about my hospital visit and what the facilities are like. I was really impressed with the hospital and I think this has made him feel more comfortable about things. He's been worrying about me having to go through the natural birth, but I've told him, I'm beginning to feel a bit more positive about it, it is very scary, but the whole recovery time afterwards will with any luck be so much shorter than after a c-section and this is what keeps me positive.
I can't wait for him to get home, I'm missing him so much, I keep reading through all his letters, he loves me so much and I'm just so lucky to have found him.

In other news...

2006-08-03T11:42:00.000+02:00

Tony Blair taking a holiday!!!!!??

Has he really got the time?
Should he not schedule it for a less critical time in the political scheme of things?

It makes me wonder... if their was a critical time when I was in the police... all leave would be cancelled.... Surely the same should go for Blair?
My husband, he's entitled to two weeks R&R... providing he's not needed and if it's scheduled at an appropriate time for his unit, otherwise, his leave could also be cancelled.

Okay, I know everyone is entitled to some annual leave.... but come on... show some common sense, some unselfishness and good grace... time it right and cancel it if it's not an appropriate time.

I'm so angry... but hold my calm remarkably in this post.

Dick Fiction

2006-08-01T15:21:00.000+02:00

http://www.fugly.com/media/videodir1154437140/Funny/dick-fiction.wmv

All back on... bollocks

2006-07-28T20:07:00.000+02:00

Had another scan at the hospital and the Dr has decided that I should have a natural birth and there is no need for a c-section. Great! This sent me into a bit of a panic because hubby's homecoming was originally based on the c-section. Have discussed this with the midwife and she is happier now I'm having the natural birth, but did point out that I am still being monitored by the hospital and they may still decide on c-section.
Anyhow to cut a long story short, my husbands leave date will not change, he will only have the two weeks leave now though, rather than the 4 weeks for my recovery after c-section, which is fair enough I guess, but means he'll have less time with his new baby before he has to go back to hell again :o( Just have to hope she now puts in a timely appearance, like somewhere in those two weeks!!!! I'll have to search for tips on how to bring labour on early, so I can try these out whilst he is home. It's all a bit shit really and and just makes me so angry that he even has to be in that crappy place, doing a job that no one appreciates.

The Weekend

2006-07-22T12:37:00.000+02:00

Yes it's that time again. The normally boring time, although I've been on leave for two weeks, that's been like one really long weekend.
Hopefully going swimming today if the weather stays good. Looks promising at the moment.

Well, hubby is back home in approx. 1 month! coinsiding(sp) with this, the arrival of baby. I can't quite decide which I'm more excited about, probably seeing my husband, because hopefully there isn't as much pain with that arrival. Although I expect he is in the same dilema, he has the added bonus of seeing how much I've grown too! LOL. Providing baby doesn't decide to make an early appearance he'll also get to experience a little bt of my pregnancy, which I know he is desperate to do. He's really wanting to see the baby move and feel the kicking. I do hope he gets the chance, I know it's something he is longing for.

I chatted to him online the other night and now that I have the webcam sorted out, he got a chance to see me too, which was brilliant. He was really pleased about that, just a shame that technology in the army welfare sector can't provide a reciprical service, would have been fantastic to see him after nearly 3 months. But, hopefully it's helped his morale, which is always a good thing.

Dirty Turbin

2006-07-21T17:12:00.000+02:00

http://www.guzer.com/videos/prank_call_turbin.php

British Troops Fierce Amphibious Attack

2006-07-21T17:05:00.000+02:00

http://www.guzer.com/videos/brittishtroops.php

The weather is pretty good now

2006-07-20T18:40:00.000+02:00

Fantastic thunderstorm! Loads of rain... just what I need.
Have video taped some of it for hubby, I'm sure he'll appreciate seeing some rain. I really should get a wireless webcam and everyone could have seen how cool the storm is. Wish it wouldn't interfere with my TV reception though!

Weather is too hot!

2006-07-19T22:56:00.000+02:00

For anyone.. let alone me being pregnant.

The temperature was about 33 degrees at 1830hrs this evening. I have some sympathy with my husband now when he tells me how hot it is. I struggle with 33 degrees, how the hell does he cope in temperatures of 48 degrees!!!

Anyway... good news... he's coming home a week earlier than originally thought. This is so hopefully he is back in time for the CS. It still seems like too far away though, but maybe that's because the days are going slow because I'm on leave.

Well it's nearly 11pm here, so I'll be off for now, a cool shower is beckoning! Current temperature is 26 degrees (how am I meant to sleep in that!)

British Soldier Killed in Iraq

2006-07-16T15:33:00.000+02:00

http://www.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30000-1227876,00.html

Another hard day

2006-07-12T18:15:00.000+02:00

It started of really well and I was pretty happy, but my mood has changed again this evening.
I just have a few moments when I need a bit of a cry.
I miss him so much and it seems so long until he is home.
I'm hoping to get a phone call tonight, so I can tell him how things went at my midwife appointment.
I hope he remembers, I really want to hear his voice.
It seems like ages since we last spoke, but maybe it's only a week.
I guess a week is a long time in normal relationships, but for us it's nothing really.
I just want to see his smile again, it's been about 75 days since I saw it last. I'd like to be able to touch him to... I've reached a point where I've forgotten how it feels, which is a horrible feeling. I always seem to be tired, I feel exhausted today and I've been off work since the end of last week.
I just feel so lost and so lonely and don't know if I can make it through another tour like this.

Spend a Lifetime

2006-07-12T18:11:00.000+02:00

You know I need your touch honey
I want your touch honey
Like the morning sun has just begun,
like the rain on my window pane,
if I could make you stay
More than one day
Eternally together
Oh, I need your touch
Oh, I want your loving Sweet,
you know that we can make it happen
For you and for me to be
And eternally together we will be

I found his goodbye letter!

2006-07-09T22:25:00.000+02:00

I was down in the cellar looking for some heavy duty tape. I spotted an envelope in one of his cupboards, that I'd written on. I had a look inside and it had a handful of things & letters that I'd sent him on his last tour.
But one envelope in there had my name on it and it was still sealed... Well as it was addressed to me I decided to open it, but as I was doing it, I realised why I'd never got the letter.
I took a quick peak because I was too scared to pull out the whole letter. I just spotted "I'm sorry you've got this letter", and in big letters "THE THING WE NEVER THINK ABOUT".
My heart skipped a beat, it was the 'Final Letter' from his last tour. I froze and didn't know what to do with it, I panicked that I'd found it.. like I'd be tempting fate. I didn't know whether to bin it or what... I just put the envelope back in with all the other bits, threw it into the cupboard and came back upstairs. I feel like I can't throw it away while he is gone, but he'll have to dispose of it when he gets back, it's just too morbid knowing it's there.

The Caesarean Question.

2006-07-09T22:16:00.000+02:00

After discussions with hubby, have spoken to the hospital and requested a caesarean. This all sounds a bit flipant you might think, well not exactly. Because of my epilepsy there is a medical reason behind this choice. There is also of course the fact that we'll have a date for delivery and hubby may be able to get back here in time for the birth. The will also be the need for him to stay at home longer with me, during the recovery period.
It all seems a bit too much, being pregnant and him being away. It's like I'm having to make choices based on the wrong reasons... well not necesarily wrong reasons... but convenient reasons. Of course even the natural birth scares the hell out of me, the thought of having to go through all that on my own, scares me even more. So, this week I'll be breaking the news to my midwife... I hope she doesn't have a go at me, I'm sure she won't, I'm just too scared of being alone through the natural birth and if I had a seizure... well, that's the whole scary part.

Lazy Posting

2006-07-06T16:48:00.000+02:00

I've been a bit lazy with my posting recently haven't I?

I've spent a lot of time updating my support group and have been rushing around doing things at home too. But... I have two weeks leave starting on Monday, so I can take it easy.

Well What has been happening... My first item of note... some evil bastard stole hubby's mobile phone!!! Can you believe the sheer cheek of it!! It might have been a bit easier to take, was it not for the fact that we had the phone so he could keep updated with my pregnancy. It wasn't just some luxury item that he packed as an after thought! the only other consolation is the phone is crap... the camera doesn't work properly and the phone itself is all scratched and battered looking. I've been trying to phone it in the hopes someone will pick it up and I can start screaming and say... "help, tell them the baby's coming"... or something like that, but it's not switched on. Hubby said that he called it and someone asnswered, then quickly put the phone down. What is it with some people... Do they not think about the consequences of their actions... how what they are doing can effect others. Well I hope the phone packs up or gets run over by an armoured vehicle.

More blood on the Government's hands.

2006-06-27T21:56:00.000+02:00

Another two soldiers have needlessly lost their lives in a war we should not be involved in. How much longer does this have to go on!!??

Another low day

2006-06-26T21:02:00.000+02:00

Keep getting panic attacks again. I know that I'll get over them in a few days, but it's so frustrating when they start. It must be to do with all the hormones and stress.

Missing hubby so much doesn't help either. I think the being so far away from family and friends isn't helping this time.

My parents came to see me this weekend and had a brilliant time, was so nice to have the company around the house. Now they have gone I feel so homesick, which doesn't help with the panic and anxiety.

Well I'm seeing the midwife this week, so hopefully I can talk everything through with her. I also start antenatal classes.

I just wish hubby was home, I'm finding things really tough without him and I start to wonder if I can handle him being in the military much longer.

Ok today is a bit better.

2006-06-23T18:12:00.000+02:00

Why is it you can have one crap day and the next day you feel fine (well... ish).

It might have helped that hubby phoned me last night to check I was ok as he was so worried by my letter. I don't like to worry him, but he is the only person I can talk to know that he understands and will know just what to say to help me through. He is my best friend and you always turn to them when you are low or having problems. There is no one else I can turn to and feel comfortable talking to them. I miss him so much.

I ended up writing hubby a crappy letter

2006-06-22T16:00:00.000+02:00

The more salient points of it set out below:

Hi Babe
I'm still feeling really tired, despite trying to get plenty of rest whilst in the UK. I'm sure people must think I'm just being lazy. I just can't seem to keep on top of everything, my brain is too tired to remember stuff properly and my body is too tired to move. Even the smallest things feel like hard work, making a cup of tea or getting up to answer the phone, sometimes I haven't even got the energy to talk to people when they phone. It's not like me at all and I am a bit worried, but I am seeing the midwife soon so I will talk to her about it.
It's getting as though I just don't have the energy to cook and eat properly and I know you won't be happy with that, so I must sort myself out. It wouldn't be so bad if I could get a good nights sleep, but baby decides to wake up when i go to bed and then I can't get comfortable. I'm so worried about how good I'll be as a mother once she is born, if I'm this bad now, how crap will I be afterwards!
The flat looks a tip, I've made a start on the kitchen today, but I've got loads to do before mum and dad get here on Friday. I also need to sort out that 2nd sofa bed for ?, but don't panic, I'll just be getting the mattress not the whole bed!! Need to remember to go out and by another fan though as it's very hot here still.
Unfortunately I've not made it to many welfare functions, I've either been too busy trying to get boring stuff like shopping and crap done, or I've just been too tired. So there won't be too many pics of me on the welfare website thingy.
Well, I can honestly say, I'm not enjoying being pregnant one bit. I'm fed up looking fat, wearing shitty clothes, feeling totally ugly, being exhasuted and having constant heartburn. I really hope you will be happy with just one child, because I don't fancy doing this again, especially not on my own. I never thought I would say this and I was so looking forward to being pregnant and even wanted to keep a pregnancy diary for us all (this I haven't done), but the sooner Darcy is born the better.
I'm sorry you have got my bad mood in this letter, but I've just got no one else to talk to about all these feelings and I need let off some steam before I just go mental and lock myself in the flat, with hundreds of boxes of Ritz cheese crackers and crates of beer.
I'm sorry I'm so bad at being pregnant and what a let down I must be for you. All I wanted was for this to be a happy time for us both to share and I feel like I've just been a miserable failure.I love you so much baby and miss you like crazy. I just wish I could hug you and feel you close to me and have you tell me I'm doing alright.

Texting is never easy

2006-06-11T22:43:00.000+02:00

Especially when you're trying to have a serious conversation.

I finally heard from him and in my state of mind, it all came out in the text messages. I told him how unhappy I was, how hard I am finding it and how I'm considering staying in the UK with my family. I feel terrible now as he's out there and now has to cope with knowing I feel so low. I tried to hide my feelings. I managed so well on the last tour, but this time the more I keep them in the more stressed I get and that's not good. So we settled on seeing how I cope once I return from the UK and if things are still no better I'll talk to the midwife and see what she suggests. The only problem is, if I go back to the UK all my antenatal care etc has been arranged here, so I'm really not sure how this would work.. bloody hell.. another thing to worry about!! Everything is just so shit at the moment. Me and hubby have always been so excited about the prospect of expecting our very own baby now I've never been so unhappy, this isn't the way pregnancy should be.

Getting too much

2006-06-11T19:00:00.000+02:00

Well another weekend goes by. Today has been hard work. I've had a a few bad times today, a few tears. It's been one of those days that's just got too much at some points. I managed to talk to him online today, which was some comfort. I'm just finding each day he's away harder and harder, especially as baby is getting bigger and bigger. It seems that everyone around me has their husband at home and I just feel so lost. I don't want to get to the point were I'm asking him to come home, but I don't know how many more days like today I can take. I've just been at my lowest point so far and I dread the thought of feeling even lower. Surely feeling this low can't be good for our baby?
I do have my trip back home to the UK to look forward to, but I'm scared that I'll just want to stay there, because that's where all my friends and family are, that's where all my support is at the moment.
Maybe I should go and talk to our welfare office and explain how I'm feeling, but I'm not sure even that would help. They'll probably just tell me to get on with it and cheer up.

Need help

2006-06-07T19:27:00.000+02:00

Had my appointment with the midwife today. She's told me that my abdominal muscles have split. Because I'm doing too much, lifting, carrying etc. Yeah... like I've got someone else to help me do all that!!! I told hubby and he is paranoid now that I am doing much, but I said to him, what else can I do if there is no one else around! Sometimes I wonder, he seems to think I can just call on people for a hand and they'll be able to drop everything. In my mind I get annoyed with him for being away, but I know I shouldn't because it's not his fault and if he could he would be back at home. I wonder if subconciously I'm trying to do too much, so that I can give him an excuse to try and get home? I would so love him to come home, but I would just feel like I've failed and I'm being pathetic.

Hard day

2006-06-06T18:13:00.000+02:00

Back at work today. Not too bad quite a bit to keep me busy so that is good.

I got a package from hubby today, it had a disk in it with some pictures. It's so good to see him at last and he is looking well. Mind you, a nice tan can cover a multitude of sins, so if he is feeling tired or rundown, it didn't show.

I need to make a start on my next CD for him at some point, if I have the energy. I need to show him all the lovely new maternity clothes I've bought recently! LOL

Well other than that, I've a had a few panic attacks today, so I'm a bit freaked out and wobbly, but hopefully they will pass in the next couple of days. They still seem to occur once a month, must be something to do with baby growing maybe. Mind you it was a bit of an emotional weekend, that probably didn't help!

Bank Holiday Mondays

2006-06-05T13:48:00.000+02:00

Taken it easy this morning. Had a phone call from hubby, was great to hear his voice. He is doing ok. I think really he phoned to check up on me, because he got the ebluey I sent him from yesterday, when I was on my emotional rollercoaster. I can't remember exactly what I wrote now, which just goes to show, it obviously was one of those spare of the moment pour outs that I tend to have. Those one's are normally when I have bad days and then involve some sort of contact from hubby because he then gets worried about me. My low times seem to be outweighing the high points at the moment. I hope this will change when I go back to the UK and see my family... but then I might just want to stay there.

Drained

2006-06-04T23:19:00.000+02:00

I feel totally drained tonight. But I just can't seem to wind down and go to bed!! Grrrrr.

The dog looks as miserable as I feel. I should be happy, hubby did a wonderful thing today, but it just made me miss him even more. i just want him home and so does baby I'm sure, she's not even heard the sound of his voice yet, not properly, he can't even talk to her.

Favourite Songs

2006-06-04T21:41:00.000+02:00

Whilst at home today, listening to BFBS radio, hubby did a dedication for me and requested a song. It totally blew me away... he knows me so well and is such an incureable romantic. I was in tears, floods of them, so much so that my eyes started to sting and I could hardly see they were so puffy afterwards. I love him so much and miss him like you would not believe. I just want him home, today has been such a hard day without him here.

Strain this chaos turn it into light I've got to see you one last night Before the lions take their share Leave us in pieces, scattered everywhere Just give me a chance to hold on Give me a chance to hold on Give me a chance to hold on Just give me something to hold onto It's so clear now that you are all that I have I have no fear cos you are all that I have It's so clear now that you are all that I have I have no fear cos you are all that I have You're cinematic razor sharp A welcome arrow through the heart Under your skin feels like home Electric shocks on aching bones Give me a chance to hold on Give me a chance to hold on Give me a chance to hold on Just give me something to hold onto It's so clear now that you are all that I have I have no fear cos you are all that I have It's so clear now that you are all that I have I have no fear cos you are all that I have There is a darkness deep in you A frightening magic I cling to Give me a chance to hold on Give me a chance to hold on Give me a chance to hold on Just give me something to hold onto It's so clear now that you are all that I have I have no fear now you are all that I have It's so clear now that you are all that I have I have no fear now you are all that I have

Me and my blog

2006-06-04T20:56:00.000+02:00

Well here is my first entry.

So, here I am. Hubby is away in Iraq and I'm here, expecting our first baby and just waiting for him to get home (hopefully in time for the birth).

It's not been easy and it's his second tour, but at least with the first tour I didn't have the added emotions you get when pregnant.

It's been a tough day today. He recorded a dedication and requested a song for me on BFBS. I was overwhelmed as it was sooooo romantic, I was in tears. The the rest of the evening has been hard going.