More blood on the Government's hands.

Another two soldiers have needlessly lost their lives in a war we should not be involved in. How much longer does this have to go on!!??

Another low day

Keep getting panic attacks again. I know that I'll get over them in a few days, but it's so frustrating when they start. It must be to do with all the hormones and stress.

Missing hubby so much doesn't help either. I think the being so far away from family and friends isn't helping this time.

My parents came to see me this weekend and had a brilliant time, was so nice to have the company around the house. Now they have gone I feel so homesick, which doesn't help with the panic and anxiety.

Well I'm seeing the midwife this week, so hopefully I can talk everything through with her. I also start antenatal classes.

I just wish hubby was home, I'm finding things really tough without him and I start to wonder if I can handle him being in the military much longer.

Ok today is a bit better.

Why is it you can have one crap day and the next day you feel fine (well... ish).

It might have helped that hubby phoned me last night to check I was ok as he was so worried by my letter. I don't like to worry him, but he is the only person I can talk to know that he understands and will know just what to say to help me through. He is my best friend and you always turn to them when you are low or having problems. There is no one else I can turn to and feel comfortable talking to them. I miss him so much.

I ended up writing hubby a crappy letter

The more salient points of it set out below:

Hi Babe
I'm still feeling really tired, despite trying to get plenty of rest whilst in the UK. I'm sure people must think I'm just being lazy. I just can't seem to keep on top of everything, my brain is too tired to remember stuff properly and my body is too tired to move. Even the smallest things feel like hard work, making a cup of tea or getting up to answer the phone, sometimes I haven't even got the energy to talk to people when they phone. It's not like me at all and I am a bit worried, but I am seeing the midwife soon so I will talk to her about it.
It's getting as though I just don't have the energy to cook and eat properly and I know you won't be happy with that, so I must sort myself out. It wouldn't be so bad if I could get a good nights sleep, but baby decides to wake up when i go to bed and then I can't get comfortable. I'm so worried about how good I'll be as a mother once she is born, if I'm this bad now, how crap will I be afterwards!
The flat looks a tip, I've made a start on the kitchen today, but I've got loads to do before mum and dad get here on Friday. I also need to sort out that 2nd sofa bed for ?, but don't panic, I'll just be getting the mattress not the whole bed!! Need to remember to go out and by another fan though as it's very hot here still.
Unfortunately I've not made it to many welfare functions, I've either been too busy trying to get boring stuff like shopping and crap done, or I've just been too tired. So there won't be too many pics of me on the welfare website thingy.
Well, I can honestly say, I'm not enjoying being pregnant one bit. I'm fed up looking fat, wearing shitty clothes, feeling totally ugly, being exhasuted and having constant heartburn. I really hope you will be happy with just one child, because I don't fancy doing this again, especially not on my own. I never thought I would say this and I was so looking forward to being pregnant and even wanted to keep a pregnancy diary for us all (this I haven't done), but the sooner Darcy is born the better.
I'm sorry you have got my bad mood in this letter, but I've just got no one else to talk to about all these feelings and I need let off some steam before I just go mental and lock myself in the flat, with hundreds of boxes of Ritz cheese crackers and crates of beer.
I'm sorry I'm so bad at being pregnant and what a let down I must be for you. All I wanted was for this to be a happy time for us both to share and I feel like I've just been a miserable failure.I love you so much baby and miss you like crazy. I just wish I could hug you and feel you close to me and have you tell me I'm doing alright.

Texting is never easy

Especially when you're trying to have a serious conversation.

I finally heard from him and in my state of mind, it all came out in the text messages. I told him how unhappy I was, how hard I am finding it and how I'm considering staying in the UK with my family. I feel terrible now as he's out there and now has to cope with knowing I feel so low. I tried to hide my feelings. I managed so well on the last tour, but this time the more I keep them in the more stressed I get and that's not good. So we settled on seeing how I cope once I return from the UK and if things are still no better I'll talk to the midwife and see what she suggests. The only problem is, if I go back to the UK all my antenatal care etc has been arranged here, so I'm really not sure how this would work.. bloody hell.. another thing to worry about!! Everything is just so shit at the moment. Me and hubby have always been so excited about the prospect of expecting our very own baby now I've never been so unhappy, this isn't the way pregnancy should be.

Getting too much

Well another weekend goes by. Today has been hard work. I've had a a few bad times today, a few tears. It's been one of those days that's just got too much at some points. I managed to talk to him online today, which was some comfort. I'm just finding each day he's away harder and harder, especially as baby is getting bigger and bigger. It seems that everyone around me has their husband at home and I just feel so lost. I don't want to get to the point were I'm asking him to come home, but I don't know how many more days like today I can take. I've just been at my lowest point so far and I dread the thought of feeling even lower. Surely feeling this low can't be good for our baby?
I do have my trip back home to the UK to look forward to, but I'm scared that I'll just want to stay there, because that's where all my friends and family are, that's where all my support is at the moment.
Maybe I should go and talk to our welfare office and explain how I'm feeling, but I'm not sure even that would help. They'll probably just tell me to get on with it and cheer up.

Need help

Had my appointment with the midwife today. She's told me that my abdominal muscles have split. Because I'm doing too much, lifting, carrying etc. Yeah... like I've got someone else to help me do all that!!! I told hubby and he is paranoid now that I am doing much, but I said to him, what else can I do if there is no one else around! Sometimes I wonder, he seems to think I can just call on people for a hand and they'll be able to drop everything. In my mind I get annoyed with him for being away, but I know I shouldn't because it's not his fault and if he could he would be back at home. I wonder if subconciously I'm trying to do too much, so that I can give him an excuse to try and get home? I would so love him to come home, but I would just feel like I've failed and I'm being pathetic.

Hard day

Back at work today. Not too bad quite a bit to keep me busy so that is good.

I got a package from hubby today, it had a disk in it with some pictures. It's so good to see him at last and he is looking well. Mind you, a nice tan can cover a multitude of sins, so if he is feeling tired or rundown, it didn't show.

I need to make a start on my next CD for him at some point, if I have the energy. I need to show him all the lovely new maternity clothes I've bought recently! LOL

Well other than that, I've a had a few panic attacks today, so I'm a bit freaked out and wobbly, but hopefully they will pass in the next couple of days. They still seem to occur once a month, must be something to do with baby growing maybe. Mind you it was a bit of an emotional weekend, that probably didn't help!

Bank Holiday Mondays

Taken it easy this morning. Had a phone call from hubby, was great to hear his voice. He is doing ok. I think really he phoned to check up on me, because he got the ebluey I sent him from yesterday, when I was on my emotional rollercoaster. I can't remember exactly what I wrote now, which just goes to show, it obviously was one of those spare of the moment pour outs that I tend to have. Those one's are normally when I have bad days and then involve some sort of contact from hubby because he then gets worried about me. My low times seem to be outweighing the high points at the moment. I hope this will change when I go back to the UK and see my family... but then I might just want to stay there.

Drained

I feel totally drained tonight. But I just can't seem to wind down and go to bed!! Grrrrr.

The dog looks as miserable as I feel. I should be happy, hubby did a wonderful thing today, but it just made me miss him even more. i just want him home and so does baby I'm sure, she's not even heard the sound of his voice yet, not properly, he can't even talk to her.

Favourite Songs

Whilst at home today, listening to BFBS radio, hubby did a dedication for me and requested a song. It totally blew me away... he knows me so well and is such an incureable romantic. I was in tears, floods of them, so much so that my eyes started to sting and I could hardly see they were so puffy afterwards. I love him so much and miss him like you would not believe. I just want him home, today has been such a hard day without him here.

Strain this chaos turn it into light I've got to see you one last night Before the lions take their share Leave us in pieces, scattered everywhere Just give me a chance to hold on Give me a chance to hold on Give me a chance to hold on Just give me something to hold onto It's so clear now that you are all that I have I have no fear cos you are all that I have It's so clear now that you are all that I have I have no fear cos you are all that I have You're cinematic razor sharp A welcome arrow through the heart Under your skin feels like home Electric shocks on aching bones Give me a chance to hold on Give me a chance to hold on Give me a chance to hold on Just give me something to hold onto It's so clear now that you are all that I have I have no fear cos you are all that I have It's so clear now that you are all that I have I have no fear cos you are all that I have There is a darkness deep in you A frightening magic I cling to Give me a chance to hold on Give me a chance to hold on Give me a chance to hold on Just give me something to hold onto It's so clear now that you are all that I have I have no fear now you are all that I have It's so clear now that you are all that I have I have no fear now you are all that I have

Me and my blog

Well here is my first entry.

So, here I am. Hubby is away in Iraq and I'm here, expecting our first baby and just waiting for him to get home (hopefully in time for the birth).

It's not been easy and it's his second tour, but at least with the first tour I didn't have the added emotions you get when pregnant.

It's been a tough day today. He recorded a dedication and requested a song for me on BFBS. I was overwhelmed as it was sooooo romantic, I was in tears. The the rest of the evening has been hard going.